I worked out that morning. For a very long time.
It was a good workout.
I felt amazing after it.
My muscles burned, I worked up a good sweat and I felt my heart rate rise throughout that hour and a half.
I was getting dressed and there was a mirror on the wall directly behind me.
I turned my back so I couldn’t see my reflection.
But that wasn’t enough.
I closed my eyes so I wasn’t tempted to look.
Even though I had worked out that day, I was just getting back on track.
I had fallen off track the last 7 weeks.
Between vacation, Thanksgiving, Chanukah, and Christmas I was just too tempted.
With an adjustment in our daily routine, I just wasn’t making the time for it that I could have. And should have.
I had only had a gain of 2 pounds in those 7 weeks, which is impressive based on the habits I so quickly formed.
In my heart I know that it isn’t a lot, but my head is telling me differently.
My head is screaming that I threw everything away.
Gained all 68 pounds back.
That I look repulsive and shouldn’t bother seeing my reflection.
I see folds where there aren’t any. Dimples where, in reality, it is actually smooth. Jiggles where the muscles are actually strong and tight.
I close my eyelids just a bit tighter, fearing that they may slip open and I would catch a passing glance of myself in the mirror.
I hurriedly finish dressing, throwing on a forgiving shirt and pants with an elastic waistband. There is no need to emphasize where my body needs work.
I take a deep breath, inhaling slowly and holding it there for a few seconds. As I exhale I slowly open my eyes.
What am I doing? What is wrong with me? What am I teaching my children?
Why am I treating myself this way?
I looked at my reflection and stared long and hard into the woman looking back at me.
This is it. I’m doing this. I’m back on track.
But this time, it’s not about looking good.
This is about feeling good.
I want to feel healthy. Feel alive. Feel confident.
I want to feel comfortable in my own skin.
I’m doing this.
And I am so going to kick ass.
.
.
Kimberly
Latest posts by Kimberly (see all)
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Hi, my name is Kimberly! I am a wife of 1 and mom to 4. I'm a social media addict and book lover. This blog is a raw and honest look at life through my eyes. I capture the moments as I fumble through motherhood, marriage, and my new graphic design career. I am sometimes funny, a bit sarcastic, and always sleep deprived.
Twitter: giaghani
says:
Came across your blog via the “fabulous blogging contest”. I”m so glad you got that moment that put the heaviness of your feelings into perspective. You’re back on track now and that’s all that matters. Cheering you on! XOXO
Thank you! I’m glad I saw it too. I needed it!
Twitter: fromtracie
says:
You are SO going to kick ass!
Feeling good, having confidence, is the important thing.
And that is exactly what I want!
Thank you for your post today. I can totally relate. I had a baby almost a year ago and I’m still struggling to this day. In fact I struggled all my life with my weight. You’re right it’s about feeling good not looking good and being happy with yourself and loving yourself. Thank you again for your post looking forward to the next one.
Laura
Thanks Laura! That struggle can be so hard and daunting, especially after we become a mother and our bodies are just so… different. And yes, we need to be happy with ourselves on the inside. Our kids will remember the smiles, not the pounds.
Good for you for getting back on track. You are so right that it’s not about looking good it’s about feeling good!
Thank you! I’m trying to remember that, though at times it is hard.
Twitter: queenofchaosmom
says:
I am so proud of you and an hour and a half???? Be proud, my friend. That is AWESOME! I so want to be where you are today. I still don’t look but give me 17 days and I’ll look then.
Yeah, I tend to go a little crazy when I out my mind to something. I’m a tad bit addicted to it.
Twitter: AlisonSWLee
says:
Of course you’re gonna kick ass.
Never doubted you for one moment.
I’ve got this!
I know this so much. I’m finally working myself back into a routine, and I don’t even know what I gained, but I feel so terrible, and I know so much of it is in my head.
You are going to kick ass. I am going to try to follow suit
That’s me, too. A lot of this is in my head, but it’s coming out in how I feel about myself and I don’t like that. At all.
You can do it!
Yay!!
Feeling good is WAY better than looking good and I believe in you! You are going to kick ass.
It absolutely is! Thanks, I’m trying.
Twitter: skywaitress
says:
Oh I have so been here. I feel like I can never just love the body I’m in at the moment. I’ll look back at pictures and think I don’t look half bad, good even. But in the moment? Nope awful. I’m working on it.
A lot is in my head, I know that, but I still need to work on things. Most importantly, my confidence.
Twitter: sundayspill
says:
“I want to feel healthy,….to feel confident.” Yep, that’s what it’s about. I think we’re all working on that. Good thing though is that the older I get, the more I feel good in my own skin. I think you’re going to kick ass for sure.
I have actually noticed that at times too. I’m working on it. I’ll get there.
Twitter: LauraORourke
says:
You’ve got this. It is so important to love ourselves so that our children will grow up understanding what healthy self-esteem looks like. Two pounds is nothing. Think of those two pounds as memories of holiday love. That’s not so bad. And you are beautiful. Beautiful in your skin. I know for sure your BOYS think that, and that is what matters.
I’m excited to see you rock this new goal of yours!
Twitter: CorianderPM
says:
Yes, you’ve got this. And thank you for motivating me to get mine back, too. Love this, and love you!
You can do this, Kim! Tell that voice in your head that tells you that you can’t, that you will never succeed– tell it to shut up. I believe in you!
Twitter: CourtneyKirklnd
says:
Way to go mama!! Kick those nasty thoughts to the curb because YOU are awesome!
Twitter: themommymess
says:
You’ve captured a moment all women cringe to think about it so perfectly. You are beautiful! Inside and out!! When we start to change our thinking about feeling good instead of looking good, it takes on a whole different level of motivation. I don’t want to be old and in a nursing home like my grandma. I want to live a long life with lots of grandkids, and I want to be able to run around and play with them. That motivation is so much greater than just looking good.
I struggle with this, too. But just like you, I have to remind myself how much better I feel. It’s like night and day.
Twitter: KirstenPiccini
says:
I already think you are amazing and I know you look that way. On the inside you are one gorgeous gal and the outside is just as beautiful.
I’m cheering you on from her. GO, AWESOME GIRL, GO! xoxo